Dream

So this morning I woke up at 3:30 am after having a dream. It wasn't a bad dream it was one of those ones you kind of wish you could fall back asleep and revisit. I had a very vivid dream about my best friend Amanda. I was at a spending time at her house with her and it was obvious that I was in her world. She was doing great with a whole host of friends and a lovely house. The house was one of those ones that you would love to explore with nooks and cranys and odd spaces. I was able to tell her my news and see her reaction. It was one of those dreams thats like a gift to you. I've gotten several gifts like this since Amanda had passed but this one was special because its been so long and my news is something we both dreamed about all growing up; to be moms. I got to tell her all about Jason and then tell her my news, it was so nice. Its still amazing to me that you can miss someone so much after so long, but I'm so glad I got to share with my first bff if only in a dream.

I wasn't going to share my news on my blog just yet but I couldn't keep that dream to myself. I don't want to forget it.

We are due 10/10/10 and are so incredibly excited. We saw our little lobsters (what the baby looks like on the ultrasound) heartbeat last Tuesday and it was so incredibly amazing to watch that little heart going.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Its been a little over three weeks since we lost our little one. The days have gotten easier but I do find myself still grieving our little baby that we had prayed for and wanted for so long. For the most part things are back to normal, I'm working now which is good because it gets me out of the house. I don't talk about it as much mostly because I don't know that people really want to hear about it and I don't have anything to say that I haven't already said. To say this was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through is an understatement. It feels like a silent grief as it seems people don't realize or don't expect you to grieve as much as you do. I would have never known how much it hurts to lose a little one even as early as I did (seven weeks). I find myself thinking about where I would be in my pregnancy and each little development my baby would be making. I don't imagine that will ever change as I'll always wonder about my first baby.

I'm focusing on living and the blessings that I do have which are many and great. I do have a wonderful and caring family that has really supported us and some incredible friends. A ridiculously supportive husband who has the sweetest and most caring heart of anyone I've ever met.

Mostly I feel like I joined a club that I wouldn't ever want a membership to. I wanted to join the mommy club and talk about how my baby didn't sleep through the night or how they are growing so fast its ridiculous. Instead I'm in this club of women who lost their little ones. The members of this club showed me in the hugs that I received, the kind emails that were sent that just emulated what I was feeling and with the sorrow in their eyes that its not anything you ever get over but its just something you carry with you.

Today if you're reading this and you've never experienced this loss, count yourself blessed and hug a friend who has and ask them how they are doing. If you have, I'm sorry and please know you're not alone in this.

I'll be lighting a candle at 7pm tonight to remember my little one.

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