Its been a little over three weeks since we lost our little one. The days have gotten easier but I do find myself still grieving our little baby that we had prayed for and wanted for so long. For the most part things are back to normal, I'm working now which is good because it gets me out of the house. I don't talk about it as much mostly because I don't know that people really want to hear about it and I don't have anything to say that I haven't already said. To say this was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through is an understatement. It feels like a silent grief as it seems people don't realize or don't expect you to grieve as much as you do. I would have never known how much it hurts to lose a little one even as early as I did (seven weeks). I find myself thinking about where I would be in my pregnancy and each little development my baby would be making. I don't imagine that will ever change as I'll always wonder about my first baby.
I'm focusing on living and the blessings that I do have which are many and great. I do have a wonderful and caring family that has really supported us and some incredible friends. A ridiculously supportive husband who has the sweetest and most caring heart of anyone I've ever met.
Mostly I feel like I joined a club that I wouldn't ever want a membership to. I wanted to join the mommy club and talk about how my baby didn't sleep through the night or how they are growing so fast its ridiculous. Instead I'm in this club of women who lost their little ones. The members of this club showed me in the hugs that I received, the kind emails that were sent that just emulated what I was feeling and with the sorrow in their eyes that its not anything you ever get over but its just something you carry with you.
Today if you're reading this and you've never experienced this loss, count yourself blessed and hug a friend who has and ask them how they are doing. If you have, I'm sorry and please know you're not alone in this.
I'll be lighting a candle at 7pm tonight to remember my little one.